Emoticons

What kind of star spangled cunt nugget invented emoticons? For thousands of years humans have been developing expansive, complicated and highly evolved languages and have been writing these down in a multitude of ways including ink, blood and even stone and chisel over the centuries. For the past 8000 years or so people have have to make do with using these 'words' to convey the message they wished to get across by simple arrangement and with the forethought of making the message clear and precise in order to not be misunderstood or misconstrued.

These jumbled and bundled assortments of alphabet have given us the worldly wise philosophy of Socrates, the poignant poetry of Pablo Naruda, the dark twisted tales of Edgar Allen Poe, the exquisite wordplay of Shakespeare and of course the fantastical autobiographies of Katie Price.

Then some clever piss biscuit invented the 'Text Message' and all that went to shit.

Whereas before, they had to think of lots of words  to use in phone calls and responses to questions and sometimes even mild chit chat, they could now syphon down their word usage to it's most economical form in order to save valuable time not having to do things like talk or get in touch with friends and family.

But due to the great greed of mankind these new character limited bulletins soon also became too laborious for our ever dwindling attention spans and the bastardised language of 'Text abbreviation' was born.

Cries of “I can't waste precious time typing in an ,E,E,Y,O,U,A,T and a fucking ATE! I've on level 6 of Super Mario Bollox on my Nintendo Gameboy! and then Eastenders in on!!” emanated across the land.

And so “See you at 7 mate!” became “C U @ 7 M8” but it didn't stop there and soon this abrupt new street dialect became so hard to decipher that you had to employ an 11 year old street urchin to translate the covert dyslexic transcripts as if you were a top code breaker on the trail of a madman.

Then in a cross pollination from email etiquette and Internet forum geekdom, acronyms of phrases from camp teen fodder programs became common practise but all the while, one problem persisted. One obviously colossal omission from modern day communication.

This break down of language meant people sometimes didn't quite get how you meant something and would sometimes leave you waiting for minutes for their witty riposte whilst they tried to work through the possible double meanings of your ill worded communiqué. The timing of responses became as important as the messages themselves, with a 10 minute wait meaning something entirely different from a 2 day interval.

Multitudes of random possibilities began firing through the fevered craniums of textees and the paranoia would grew by the hour to the point where hypothetical situations of people gathering to laugh at your incoherent scribblings whilst ignoring you on a day out visit to Alton Towers deliberately organised without you became full gone conclusions.

Pretty soon, handbags were swinging in the streets, names were hastily being scribbled out from address books and even the leaders of the great super powers had a moment where their hand quivered over the red button in incandecent rage at the 17 minutes it took Boris Yeltsin to text back “LOL” to George Bush's fart jokes he made at his recent climate change conference when anybody used the word “Emissions”.

So in order to solve this growing global pandemic, some no doubt be-specktacled NASA schooled fucknut went and invented something that alleviated the receiver from having to work out how the message was intended by reverting to one of man's most primal instincts - Facial recognition.

Yes, by using all the now rendered pointless keys around the everyday keyboard that used to be used for varied punctuation back when we could remember how to write properly, we then starting using them to make a variety of face shapes like :) and ;( and ;0 to display our intended meaning.

Then people starting thinking their phone was simply on the blink so the fucking “Emoticon” was wheeled out like some demented Transformer baddie and the world was saved.

Now when i get a message with a little smiley face I simply take it that the cheeky cunt that sent it assumed i'm such an incredulous moron that i wasn't capable of working how he meant what he said by merely reading, computing and then judging the text to the best of my ability. Should a cheeky wink face not suddenly appear at the end of "I'm gonna bloody kill you!" then obviously we should all run around screaming and franticly dial the police should we?

My feelings on the matter are that we should try and devolve back to using proper language before we end up back at grunting and angrily shaking a stick to make our points but until i can persuade the whole feckin' emoti-conned universe to do so i have come up with some of my own to join the smiley,cheeky,happy gang!

( ! ) = a normal woman from a gynaecologist's point of view

( ? ) = a women who's had a baby with complications from a gynaecologist's point of view

( @ ) = an Anal gape

( # ) = Arse like a broken cat flap (i.e after a very hot curry or prison gang rape)

I'd work out more but i've got some texting to do and it takes bloody ages when you spell out all the words and that!

C U L8ER M8 :/*