A Trip To The Flicks

Now I am a new Father I don't get the chance to visit the Celluloid Shit-box formerly known as the Cinema/Picture House/Theatre Of Dreams as much as I'd like to these days but one film I've read about recently stands out a mile in terms of cinematic bravery and originality and then i find out it's even based on a true story? Amazing!

I very nearly enjoyed Danny Boyle's last outing "Slumdog Millionaire" which was only spoilt when he decided to make the film such a condescending comedy pastiche of every other film there's ever been about similar subject matter! Ripping off pretty much everything from City Of God and The Kite Runner to ..er ..The Railway Children and Chris Tarrant's 'Who Wants To Be Millionaire' he thoroughly redeemed himself though with the Bollywood dancing at the end (Well done Danny?....Well done!) which almost completely made me not think of the bit of the story where the Fagan character poured boiling acid into the children's eyes and in no way made light of that horrible disfiguring scene!

"127 Hours" from what i gather stars James Franco (he the Green Goblin!) as an extreme sports fanatic with anti-catholic sexual proclivities, that likes to try new and dangerous things, and by some strange and unbelievable run of events that I'm sure the movie goes into in much more depth, ends up getting his whole arm up to his elbow stuck in “The Rock” (Former WWF Wrestling star Dwayne Johnson of “The Scorpion King” fame and other films you haven't ever seen and never will unless you are trapped on a plane and have had too much coffee).

This terrible anal ordeal then apparently goes on to last for a cheek clenching 127 hours (The film's Title! Genius!) which I'm informed is told in 'Real Time' (so it definitely can't be made up, Right?) note to self: bring plenty of snacks and water and perhaps inform loved ones of your whereabouts for the week.

Then after the marathon 5 day fist-fuckfest, he decides the only way to escape his bum deal alive is to cut off as much of his arm that is inveloped in The Rock's crushing grasp and then bloody stumpedly ride him back to the Hospital / new arm shop. Obviously when i say “ride him back” i don't mean more arse tomfoolery as poor Mr Rock at this point still has the freshly severed forearm stuck right royally up his chugger! I'm assuming that The Rock simply accompanies him back to have the foolishly investigative limb removed and sewn back onto Green Goblin bloke.

The multi-angled split screen 24 style depiction of such graphically catastrophic fist-fudge packery has apparently proven too much for some movie goers stateside with reports of audience members fainting and some people leaving the cinema's to simply “wash their eyes!” and then “run to the nearest church!”.

Though this is not my regular kind of film i look forward to what I hope is going to be a refreshing and thought provoking piece of drama about male bum love in the desert much like the misty eyed memory of how much I thoroughly enjoyed “Brokeback Mountain” once i finished throwing up.

I will review the film on my return from the local Multiplex.

"Alright I'll be in fucking 'Spiderman 4'! Christ I'll even make 'Pineapple Express 2'

Just get my fucking arm out this greased up Cunt Nugget!!"